SUBSCRIPTION HELL

Everything Is A Subscription Now

Remember when you bought something and then...

...owned it?

That was nice.

You bought a truck.

You owned the truck.

You bought a stereo.

You owned the stereo.

You bought software.

You owned the software.

Now?

You buy the truck.

Then you subscribe to the truck.

Somewhere in North America today, a man is paying monthly fees for:

• television,
• music,
• movies,
• cloud storage,
• security cameras,
• heated seats,
• navigation,
• and a coffee maker that apparently needs Wi-Fi.

The coffee maker.

The thing that literally boils water.

Needs a software update.

We've lost the plot.

The Modern Household Budget

Mortgage:
$2,000

Car:
$600

Groceries:
$900

Subscriptions:
$47,000

Nobody actually knows anymore.

Every month your bank statement arrives looking like a list of companies you vaguely remember meeting once.

STREAMIFY PLUS MAX

PREMIUM SPORTS EXTRA GOLD

CLOUD STORAGE ELITE

MOVIE PACKAGE ULTRA

Buddy...

What do any of these do?

The best part?

Trying to cancel them.

Remember when cancellation meant:

"I'd like to cancel."

Now it means:

• finding the website,
• finding the account,
• finding the password,
• finding the hidden cancellation page,
• answering a survey,
• declining six offers,
• speaking to a chatbot,
• speaking to a human,
• speaking to a manager,
• questioning your life choices.

Just to save $8.99.

Official Canadian Retirement Plan

1. Cancel subscriptions
2. Become millionaire
3. Buy eggs

THE PASSWORD CRISIS

Every Account. Every Device. Every Time.

The average Canadian now has approximately:

• 400 accounts
• 700 passwords
• and absolutely no idea what any of them are.

Every website says:

Your password must contain:

✓ 1 capital letter

✓ 1 lowercase letter

✓ 1 symbol

✓ 1 number

✓ 1 hieroglyph

✓ 1 blood sample

✓ The name of your first childhood pet

✓ And the coordinates of where your parents first met

You finally create the perfect password:

Tr0ub4dor&Pizza17!MapleLeaf#

The website approves it.

You immediately forget it.

Forever.

Then comes the security question.

What was the name of your first pet?

Fluffy.

INCORRECT.

Try again.

Buddy...

I was there.

It was Fluffy.

Meanwhile hackers somehow guess:

Password123

in six seconds and gain access to half the internet.

The Reality

Every Canadian claims they have sophisticated password security.

In reality we have:

Password123

Password1234

Password12345

And the really advanced people:

Password123!

Final Thoughts

Humanity invented:

• flight,
• electricity,
• the internet,
• artificial intelligence.

And somehow we've created a world where:

• your fridge needs a login,
• your truck has a subscription,
• your toaster wants an update,
• and your password expires every 14 minutes.

Honestly?

At this point the raccoons have the right idea.

They don't own anything.

They don't subscribe to anything.

And they definitely aren't trying to remember their banking password at 11 PM.

🇨🇦 Official Reality Check

The future promised us:

• flying cars,
• robot servants,
• unlimited leisure.

Instead we got:

• monthly fees,
• password resets,
• and a customer service chatbot named Trevor.

YOUR PAYMENT OF $14.99 HAS BEEN PROCESSED.

GOOD LUCK FINDING OUT FOR WHAT. 🍁💳🤣