The Retired Menace Probably right. Possibly high.

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🎁 Today's Gift

Oh, for the Retired Menace Daily Gift, we need something that feels like it came free with a purchase nobody wanted. The Premium Subscription Cancellation Kit™ Includes: ✅ One magnifying glass to find the cancel button ✅ Three hours of hold music ✅ A laminated card that says: "Have you tried turning

🎁 Today's Gift

Oh, for the Retired Menace Daily Gift, we need something that feels like it came free with a purchase nobody wanted.

The Premium Subscription Cancellation Kit™

Includes:

✅ One magnifying glass to find the cancel button

✅ Three hours of hold music

✅ A laminated card that says:

"Have you tried turning your frustration off and on again?"

✅ Password notebook containing:

  • Password123
  • Password1234
  • Password12345
  • "NewPassword123"
  • "NewPassword123Final"

✅ Complimentary blood pressure medication

✅ One support chatbot named Trevor

Trevor can help with:

  • nothing
  • less than nothing
  • and occasionally making things worse

Bonus Gift

A coupon for:

ONE FREE PASSWORD RESET

Valid for:

  • 7 minutes
  • one browser
  • and only during a full moon.

Collector's Edition

Upgrade to Premium Plus Max Gold™ and receive:

🎁 Heated seats that stop working when your credit card expires.

🎁 A smart toaster requiring:

  • Wi-Fi
  • GPS
  • two-factor authentication

🎁 A complimentary email saying:

"We've updated our terms and conditions."

Fine Print

To claim your gift:

  1. Create an account
  2. Verify your email
  3. Verify your phone
  4. Verify your backup email
  5. Verify your backup phone
  6. Remember the password

Failure at Step 6 restarts the process.

🍁

Today's Gift Value: $0

Monthly Subscription: $14.99